With the gun nestled under my chin, I let the hammer click on an empty chamber. "Miracle" I said to my dog, the effeminate spitz, and pulled the trigger again. I put the gun to the spiz's head then, and a trail of bright yellow urine poured from its hindquarters, and his tail wagged crazily all the while. He looked at me as if to say "don't you love me, asshole?" and I regretted roping him into my test of faith. "Miracle" I said, looking away in shame. To be clear, my spitz did not urinate from fear of death, for it always urinated when I played with it; it was just the weak constitution of a small dog.
Five years ago, Doc Hossenpfeffer told me I had six months, and after, he stopped taking my calls. This roulette was just a snack before the meal.
The spitz tilted its little head and looked at me as if to say "whatever I lost, I lost a long time ago" with eyes of pure onyx. "I feel you" I said.
I called Doc Hossenpfeffer again pretending to be someone else this time. "Erection pills" I croaked into the receiver, and I heard the nurse telling someone it was an emergency in the background. She got Hossenpfeffer on the line quick. "You bleeding quack" I said "I don't need erection pills at all!"
"I know that voice" he said dejectedly.
"In fact, I got a throbbing one right now, just talking to you" I said.
"I can't help you" he said flatly. "You're beyond medical science now." He said I did not have a brain. Where my brain should be, there was a large innervated tumor, something only a witch doctor, or a carnival sideshow could appreciate.
I thumped my temple, thinking with the tumor.
I put the phone down and put the gun against the side of my head, and without taking another breath, I pulled the trigger.
This time, I almost passed out.
The bullet bounced off my skull and hit my Glenco Ten Years Of Service certificate that I had framed years ago and hung on the wall. It was now askew, with a fleck of blood.
I put the phone back in its cradle, looked at the spitz and said "Miracle".
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
These are the lyrics to the song "Wait for the rain/the road leads to nowhere", as performed by the Hess Brothers, appearing on the Last House On The Left Soundtrack, and possibly the same version played in the end credits of Cabin Fever. Uh-rah. May be wrong on a word or two, but I think I nailed the gist of it.... wheels turning some of the leaves are turning brown coming to gather you gathering cherries off of the ground a little while older a little bit closer to the spring top of your mind is what the nakedness of neoncolored smokey sound can bring and the road leads to nowhere dice rolling thunders gonna roll in your smile cross tomorrow cross tomorrow wait around to find the crink in your style after the rainbow after the day glows over you bottle of wine and then a waterfall gonna lead you to the green i knew you do and the road leads to nowhere and the castle remains the same and the mother tells the father wait for the run where the road leads i just dont know where the road leads ijust dont know where the road is or where the road leads arms twisting reach around and twist inside your skin fifty hours fantasize what you want to begin after its finished after the song and dancings done wake up to the new contentment of the way you fought to win the war you want and the road leads to nowhere and the castle stays the same and the mother tells the father wait for the rain wheels turning some of the leaves are turning brown coming to gather you gathering cherries off of the ground after the rainbow after the day glows over you bottle of wine and a waterfall gonna lead you to the green I knew you do and the road leads to nowhere and the castle stays the same and mother tells the father wait for the rain