Saturday, September 16, 2017

Granny snakebit and talking gibberish.

Grandma got bit by a snake one morning while working in the garden, weeding the tomato plants.  The snake crawl right out of the peas and got her in the middle of the thigh.

When we found her, she was sweaty and talking gibberish.  We helped her to bed, with no hope of the horse buggy making the hospital in time.  We called the doctor and he said to ride it out and hope the snake wasn't one of the more deadly varieties.

Grandma lay in bed mumbling, and the whites of her eyes turned yellow.  She was a pitiful vision laying there trembling on her white sheets with lace fringes.

But then she started talking where we could understand her, and what she said sunk us all low.

"Pernell Roberts, I'm so glad you found me when you did."  Crying, Deddy walked out of the room.  "That horse like to durn near killed me.  Thank goodness there was a big, strong man like you nearby."

You would know the words "Pernell Roberts" across her lips would come out clear as day, where it was all gibberish when we tried to talk to her earlier.

Mil Lesions and T.T. Boy make a good showing against "The Union" in semifinals.

The sh*t-talk was flying fast and furious before the entrance music was even over.  T.T. Boy started the match, just to keep the pace up and tire out the opponent.  Blue Dog #3 and Crazy Fool, Jr.  Blue Dog ran at T.T. Boy, and T.T. Boy pulled down the top rope, causing the darned old Blue Dog to spill outside.  T.T. Boy distracted the referee while Mil Lesions went to work with some power moves on Blue Dog, bashing his back into a ringpost, then throwing him into the audience barrier.

It was almost a ten count right there, not even three minutes into the thing.

T.T. Boy tags in Big Mil and which gives Blue Dog a chance to tag in Crazy Fool, Jr.  They did chops back and forth across the ring, nobody giving an inch.  Irish whip, Big Mil punted in the head, but then he clotheslines Crazy Fool, Jr.  With Big Mil Lesions in control, "The Man of A Thousand Cuts", the match slows and becomes a bit more brutal, with power moves galore.

Mil knew something of Suplex City, I says.

In the end Crazy Fool, Jr. couldn't kick out of a pinning combination, and our boys scored the victory, moving ahead in the rankings over "The Union".

Saturday, September 9, 2017

flick-on the PRN discriminator; this is submarine signal time, baby!

The U.S.S. Thomas Morgan thumped along with its mast out of the water.  Scaring tribal fishermen.  Somewhere on board there was a jar with a defective liver and spleen.  A diabetic, you see?

How can you live without a liver, or have you ever lived at all?  These and other queries dog us, so.

I was watching NWA Wargames: The Match Beyond.  Dusty putting the elbow on Flair, and all that.  Nikita getting his ass whipped as usual, wearing that damn neck brace.

Anyway.  Corndogs in the galley.  With the obligatory mustard.  I fancied myself an old seaman yelling at the crusty boys "PUT SOME MUSTARD INTO IT, YE WRETCHES!"

If you never 
had a liver, 
where you ever 
ever alive?

Get in the game chickenhead.  I once wrote a Night Of The Living Dead where the zombies were replaced by murderous, annoying chickens.

"Girl, you gotta fight what you thinking-fight what you feeling!"

Donald Mitchell Trump
was tired of being confused
for the POTUS Magestic,
so he took a gun
for a little inappropriate fun
and never looked back.

Captain Nemo, playing the organ in his study.  Remember he had that big window?  A whale of a tale, told he, but a whale has but one tail.

Sunday, September 3, 2017

Gary Dixon and his dog Xerxes thumb a ride.

It had been raining.  It was cool and misty.  Misery, cold old witch weather.

An old car was coming.  I could hear it before I saw it, and it was slowing down to pick me and Xerxes up.  I could smell gas as I opened the door.  The man inside was smoking a Winston.  Gave me a friendly smell and said "hey".

I was just happy to be in the dry confines of a car, me and Xerxes, my dog.  I was also feeling a bit of gratitude, because, frankly, I stank.  I had been on the road a couple of days.

But judging by the stuff laying around in that guy's car, he had been on the road a few days.  There was luggage in the back and an open-face racing helmet.  There was discarded food, cigarette packs, and other mess on the dashboard.

He fished out a chocolate donut from a white bag on the dash, and offered it to me.  "Have one, buddy?"  "Sure" I said, and munched it right down.

"You on the road like me, ain't you?" I said.

"Yeah" he said.  "They pay me to drive fast cars.  Not quite like this one.  I got a red, white and blue one they sent to Canada on a truck.  I'm due up there in two days to run a race."

"Bet that is kinda fun, but scary" I said.

"Its the best feeling in the world" he said.  "There is a point in cornering where you connect with the machine, you can feel it like a charging horse underneath you.  You get a cigarette during the pit stops, but you gotta be careful cause there's like thirty gallons of high-octane racing fuel right next to you.  Drink of water, rag 'cross the windshield, then get back at it."

"Are there any women there?" I asked.

"Only for the winner" he said.  "They throw themselves at the winner.  If you win you're obligated to take the prettiest one, just snatch her right up like plucking a rose."

"You win any?" I said, ignorant.

"I win my share" he said.  "That's all a man can ask.  To win his share."

He dropped me out at Mckinnon near the old grape orchard where they wound up planting a trailer park, and from there, I walked home without making eye contact with another living soul.

And friends.  That man that picked me up.

That was Mark Donahue.

Saturday, September 2, 2017

from the ralphie screenplay, a side-project.

Marisol the super-milf. dye-job. tanned-up horror.
offering pork pie to ralph.
she steps aside and there is bobcat.
bobcat offers a silver war chess set. pewter. civil war chess set.

Bobcat "We can keep this here at your house. So I can come over and whip your ass when I see your car here."
Ralphie: "You a confederate sympathizer?"
Bobcat: "I'm always on the winning side. Here: open them bay windows."
opens windows. non-specific females are in above ground pool.
Bobcat: "They'll be our amusement while we do battle."
takes a beer from his pocket.

"wait a minute"
Bobcat talking to one of the bikini-clad girls.
ralphie: "bastard has an easy way with them. not a hint of self-consciousness. a perfect devil."

soundtrack sting.
pork pie stirring with plastic spoon.
c.u. on ralph's stomach
soundtrack build.
cut to ralph in bathroom, on toilet, groaning, sounds of shit splashing into the bowl.
ralph spits in dirty bathwater in tub, right beside toilet.
Ralph: "I don't wanna be a martyr."

moonchild has gun to ralph's head in tub, gun slips, fires, ralph's hair smoking, scared shitless
or with soiled bathwater,
moonchild over ralphie, shot punctures fiberglass tub, tub empties as moonchild chokes ralphie
ralphie throws her off to bathroom floor,
Moonchild: "Don't you understand that I love you?!"
climbs out and gets on top of her
rips her pants off and mounts her
moonchild throws head back in orgasm: "I HATE YOU!"
after, meekly: "I wanna be dead."

bobcat turns over civil war chess board, we see from ralphs POV, carnage.
looking at mess, ralph spits out a chunk of vomit into background.
Ralphie: "Looks like an unexpected development, Stonewall. We may be forced to do something unexpected."

Thursday, August 31, 2017

Don't tase me, bro: the ongoing struggles of Shinske Mikeymora.

I was on the way to the fridge during a commercial break on the WWE show and deddy lit my ass up with the taser.  "F*CK!" I shouted, and fell.  Deddy lit me up one more time for cussing in the house.  He watches too much live police stuff on the teevee.

I was at the fridge sipping Dale's Seasoning when a little robotic thing came in, looking kinda like Johnny Five from the Short Circuit films.  "Hello my little robot friend" I said, hopefully.

From a speaker somewhere on the remote-control robot carcass: "You've got thirty seconds to come out of the house or we're coming in to get you.  You will be fired upon."

"Why, you sound like a cop, little friend" I said, and skidaddled past the robot towards my bedroom.  I get to my bedroom/homeoffice, I've already won, you know?

"I don't think we're gonna be friends after all" I said, strafing out of my bedroom with the double-barrel.  I shot the camera off the top of the thing.  As I hit the floor, I heard the sound of debris going through the kitchen.

Sounded like victory.

Lukas and the Papertree.

Lukas climbed the Papertree, to see what he could see.  From the top of the Papertree, you could see the entire area.

He climbed the tree just like a monkey, holding to the tree with his hands and letting his feet walk.


He was caught on a tree limb!  Slumped over!  He thought his stomach would explode from the pain, but alas it did not.

"Should grind the whole mess into note cards", said Lukas, to himself.